What do we cling on to?

God broke my heart in the Philippines.

the damage the typhoons had done to the homes; physically and emotionally.

& i've been thinking... isn't it strange how we attach our identity to places and spaces? and the kind of heartache we're plagued by when we lose them? 

i remember feeling so distraught in the week i moved. it felt like i had to leave a really big part of myself behind––– the tiny 5yr old self that could fit in the hollow of a pillar during hide and seek; the 7yr old clutz that tripped over the same ole steps; the 13yr old self-declared nonchalant that stood by the walls watching the rain that fell like sheets of paper;  the 15yr old emotional mess that cried in the carpark while walking home; and my 18yr old shadow that desperately tried to grasp onto what seemed like tangible memories that slipped through my fingers.

what a heartache that was. to have walked through an empty house in a ghost town. memories clumped up together, hung over the space, and choked me to tears. 

perhaps it's because it's temporary. & perhaps i clung unto them too tightly.

at least i had time to make closure...

i wonder what do these people feel when they lose their homes in an instant. to watch the winds tear their homes apart. to watch the winds rip them apart. the ghastly silence that translates from the exterior into the interior. and the tears.

.

.

.

i have 2 questions for myself:

1) what are you here on this earth for?

they need help. they need a voice.

their stories need to travel, my photos will be their voice.

that's the big idea thus far. & if i really want to make this work, i'll need to set aside time to sit down and plan for it to happen.

they deserve better.

2) when circumstances shake what you believe to be true;

when what you place your identity in, is taken away,

what on earth are you left with?

what are you clinging on to?

so many things are temporary and easily subjected to change.

 what am i clinging on to?

where does my identity anchor in?

i hope it's in God. i hope i'm really clinging unto God.

not because it's an excuse or escape, but because it is a truth i can trust.

not because it's an ideal, but because it intrinsically becomes a part of me.

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i'm kind of in a phase of questioning my faith: the authenticity of it, and the intensity of it. i know in my heart that God is real. & that my faith is a reasonable and rational one. but much of my cognitive knowledge lies in slumber and needs much awakening. much of my logic and reasoning needs to be honed. 

because i believe truths are things that remain constant and will be something I can hold on to and build upon for the rest of my life. i need to pursue the knowledge of truths of life in both cognitive(mind) and experiential(heart). i need to actively question and engage my mind as i take time to reflect upon various subject matters.

but until i've discovered more Truths for myself,

I'm living each breath with the knowledge that my life belongs to God.

my life is the Lord's. 

i find a great sense of security in that knowledge(cognitive & experiential).

& I think that's something worth clinging on to.